Boyfriend
by OliveLouisa
Summary: Set during Series 1/2, Saffy has a new boyfriend but she doesnt want her mother to know! How can she get Patsy and Eddy out the house to have him round?
1. Chapter 1

**Authors Note**: Having completely fallen in love with Absolutely Fabulous, I thought it was only fair to dedicate some of my writing time to the fantastic characters and actresses who play them. Looking through most of the stories here, I see that many of them are FEMSLASH, however mine won't be. I never viewed Eddy and Pats in that way and never will. Hope you don't mind a focus change from the dynamic duo onto my favourite character Saffron. Please Review!

CHAPTER ONE: A rude awakening!

'_Mum… mum for goodness sake! You cannot lie around here all day like a beached whale. You need to get out of bed and into the office, although that may be just too much effort for you after the amount you drank last night',_ Saffy scolded her mother, who was lying dormant beneath the covers. The remains of a cold, half-eaten Indian takeaway beside her and none other than a large piece of chicken on a fork resting against her face where perhaps she had fallen asleep eating. _'Mum I'm not going to ask you again, get out of bed and take that pathetic excuse for a friend with you, she is in my way downstairs in the kitchen'_, Saffy continued in the same manner that she had before, but it came as no surprise when her mother only groaned and recoiled further under the duvet.

Saffy was fed up of her mother and that stick insect cluttering up the house, making a mess, falling about the place and generally making a complete racket while she was trying to work. She knew that she would never truly be able to move out as her mother couldn't function without her; I mean she went to University and her mother couldn't even get into a tin of custard. Brushing off that mortifyingly embarrassing situation, she made the decision to remove the duvet from her mother's bed and take it into the bathroom in a rash attempt to get her up.

At this sudden unveiling and rush of cold air Eddy tried peeling her eyes open; _'Sweetie darling, give mama back her duvet, she had a very heavy night last night with Pats so Eddy…Need…Sleep…Saffy… darling'_ she slurred into her pillowcase without moving. '_Speaking in third person is not going to make me do anything for you Mum, so just quit moaning and get up'_, Saffy retorted quickly. '_Third person, darling, there's only one of me in here_', Eddy slurred confused and hung over as she attempted to lift her head from the pillow to no avail. _'You could have fooled me mum, there's no telling how many people were under that duvet and even now that I have removed it, I can't be 100% certain that you aren't lying on them, so get your fat behind out of those LA Croix covers and downstairs'_, Saffy smirked leaving her mother with the ultimatum of whether to let her have the last word or not and quickly left the room. Naturally, Eddy was not going to let her daughter have the last laugh as she shouted after her _'These aren't LA Croix sweetie, there from Donatella Versace's new autumn collection'_.

Just as Edina thought she had got one up on Saffron, she heard _'I can't quite hear you mum, what was that?'_, leaping out of bed with a new found enthusiasm to make Saffy see that she wasn't going to get one up on her shouted back '_You know exactly what I mean darling, you heard perfectly well. What you didn't get in looks you make up for in hearing and intelligence. I suppose you have to be good at something in this world'_.

Hanging over the bannister as she ended her argument triumphantly she saw Saffy's head poke out from the door to the kitchen downstairs only long enough to hear her say '_Oh good you're up, I knew that would work'_. Realising she had been tricked, Edina decided now would be a relevant time to throw a tantrum, but it was somewhat misjudged as she went toppling down the stairs head first to the sound of Saffy concluding; _'I mean honestly it was clear to anyone with half a brain cell that those covers obviously were Donatella Versace not LA Croix_'. Shocked into silence, Eddy stuttered _'Sweetie… darling… SAF! You know about designers? Come here immediately, this is the happiest moment of my life! '_ Forgetting completely about her rude awakening and the effort it had taken her to get out of bed Eddy went bumbling down the stairs towards the kitchen only to trip down this flight as well, in her haste to hug her daughter.

Saffy, happy that she had awoken her mother and got her out of bed with little effort sat triumphantly at her usual place at the end of the table with a glass of orange juice and some freshly made toast. Paying no attention to her mother as she took yet another topple down the stairs, Saffy wondered to herself whether- while she was asleep, if her mother practised these comedy falling routines just to provoke a reaction from her!

'_Oh mum, careful of Pa…'_, Saffy quickly remembered, but was too late as Eddy fell down the last few steps on top of Patsy who gave a grunt much like the one Eddy had given earlier. _'I wish you wouldn't leave her around the house Mum, she really does get in the way, and I almost stood on her in the dark when I got up at six thirty this morning'_, Saffy informed her mother with a mouthful of toast. '_Six bloody thirty darling, that isn't a time in the morning, that's a time of night! Anyway you should be more careful of Pats, she does end up in some strange places', 'and some strange positions' _Saffy replied raising one eyebrow to her mother. Saffy was unable to forget the time that she had gone upstairs to go to bed to find Patsy in a compromising position with a man whom she had never seen before in her life, that night and for several after despite changing the sheets Saffy slept on the sofa in the lounge.

'_Bloody hell Edds, get off me'_, Pats groaned lighting the cigarette that had been hanging off her bottom lip, held on by nothing but saliva for the best part of the night. Patsy somehow had managed not to move at all other than to light her cigarette and made no attempt to move while smoking it. Eddy removed herself from where she was perched on top of her best friend and collapsed into one of her new age suspended egg chairs which hung from the ceiling by the kitchen table. Edina had wanted to replace all of the chairs but Saffy had disagreed arguing with her mother _'they are highly impractical for anything but lounging, the minute you want to eat or do any work, heaven forbid, you end up swinging round endlessly. It's like sitting in a bubble which is about to burst at any moment. If you insist on buying them, I am keeping a normal chair so that I can work on my dissertation without floating away from my books on the table'_.

After replaying that scene in her head, Eddy knew it was that time in the morning, as it was every morning for a cup of coffee, she looked over to Saffy who was in concentrating on reading a new textbook, larger than the one she had yesterday but before Eddy could open her mouth Saffy said without looking up _'you have seen me do it enough times, I'm sure you can manage it now'_. With that remark Patsy perked up, but soon realised it was Saffy who had spoken and laughed '_she doesn't mean sex Ed, I don't think anyone would screw that pathetic weasel faced cretin even if she does have quite big tits, I almost imagine it would be like shagging a block of concrete- too tight for penetration_'.

Saffy looked indignantly at Patsy, who continued to snigger to herself at the hilarious comment she had made at Saffy's expense. '_NO'_, Saffy shouted, protecting herself by doing up the top button that she had dared to undo this morning on her green paisley shirt under her favourite sheep jumper. _'Don't listen to her'_, she continued '_I meant you can make your own cup of coffee this morning Mum, I have a lot of reading to do and you know exactly how the machine works as you have seen me use it so many times'._ Eddy putting on her overly sad face with the raised eyebrows and the large bottom lip sticking out, asked Saffy in her big baby voice _'But my lovely helpful daughter Saffron always makes mama a cup of coffee in the morning'_, Saffy ignoring her mother spoken again; '_You might want to make Patsy one, although she has usually had a bottle and a half of vodka by lunchtime, so that might be more appropriate for her'_.

Patsy realised that Saffy was deadly serious and moved into a chair opposite Eddy, so that she was in the prime spot to kick her friend under the table to get her to move. _'Get me a bottle of voddy darling, I need something to get me going- I have this awful pain in my back', 'I'm not surprised after that huge lump landed on you, although what I am surprised about is that you don't have a similar pain in your head after the amount of narcotics and alcohol you consumed last night with my mother'_ Saffy interrupted_. 'DON'T you use the M word in this house darling'_ Eddy shouted at her daughter, disgusted at how old it made her sound which she made very clear to Saffy. _'It's like when you call the old thieving woman; Gran. I hate the way you call us Mother and Gran'_.

'_Eds_', Patsy moaned pretending to be weak and frail, floundering in her chair and then looked to Saffy for help, yet found none. Eddy looked at her daughter and using her baby voice and big bottom lip asked her for help _'Saffy get Pats her vodka, mama is too tired to move'_. Saffy rolled her eyes, she knew she would get no work done until she complied but wondered whether she actually could get her mother for once in her sorry little existence to do something for herself. '_Mother'_, she said as Eddy cringed, _'You know better than anyone…_' Patsy shifted in her chair clearing her throat, so Saffy reconsidered then continued '_you and your shadow know where all the alcohol is stashed in this house'. 'What's that supposed to mean Saffy darling'_, Eddy enquired. '_Well'_ Saffy began wondering whether to continue with this explanation, _'I suppose you are enquiring about my shadow remark so I shall explain in simple terms for you. Dependant on the projection and elevation of the sun, the shadows created are cast in a whole array of directions and lengths in different. Just by looking at you, I can guarantee that you are the midday shadow and that streak of nothing over there is the early morning or late evening shadow. The main difference is in the elevation of the light source and at what angle it hits the object to cast the shadow, really that is the only independent variable considered in the equation_'.

Triumphantly, she returned to her text book as Eddy fluttered her eyelids in complete and utter confusion and Patsy snapped out of nodding in agreement with Saffron's scientific explanation. _'God Eddy, all she said was you were a short fat shadow and I was a long thin, slender, shapely shadow'_, Patsy shouted from the fridge- she had given up waiting for someone to get her a drink and took a huge gulp of vodka as she moved back to her chair. _'Is that true, sweetie, Saffy darling- you called me the fat shadow'_, Saffy sighed nodding at her deflated and upset mother who moved towards the coffee machine to attempt to make herself a cup of coffee…


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two: Persuasion techniques

Eddy sulking looked over at Saffy who was still poring over her new textbook, and then to Patsy who was pouring herself yet another large vodka and drinking it in one effortless gulp. Why Saffy can't just do this one little thing to help is beyond me, Eddy thought to herself. With one last rejected plea of _'Saffy, make mama a cup of coffee'_, she decided that she would show both Saffy who was refusing to make her the drink and Patsy, who was shouting _'Come on Eds, forget about the coffee and move onto the Bolli'_ that she could do it alone. Eddy looked down at the coffee machine and decided that it looked so very complicated that she was prepared to settle for instant although she hated the taste. Next, she set about finding a mug suitable for her coffee and after banging nearly every draw and cupboard she finally found what she was looking for and a spoon as well.

'_Mum, you don't want a tablespoon of coffee, that would make it horribly strong and bitter you need a teaspoon'_, Saffy corrected her mother from across the kitchen. _'Well where the bloody buggery am I supposed to find a teaspoon in this kitchen? I don't know where anything is and I live here_' Eddy snapped. _'I would hardly say you live here, you seem to hover somewhere between here and your office, swanning in and out of shops and going to loud and extravagant parties. Never once have I seen you drink something that didn't come out of a glass bottle and you only use the kitchen when you want to irritate me or make a drunken mess'_ Saffy scolded her mother with a look of bitterness burning in her eyes.

Turning back to her work, Saffy was clearly still fuming. She constantly resented her mother for all the problems she had in her life. She couldn't even get her work done ready for the campaign that she was going to run in the 6th form area during their lunch break with Sarah. Trying to make her mother move quicker, Saffy kept sighing and glaring at her and Patsy trying to make out she needed to get on with her work. But really Saffron had a much bigger secret she was trying to hide from her mum.

'_Eds, are we having lunch today?'_ Patsy quizzed her friend loudly as she hated leaving the room silent for too long in case Saffy started talking again. Patsy hated nothing more than having to hear Saffron Monsoon's voice whining from the corner like a puppy that is being ignored- whimpering for attention. _'Darling, we go for lunch everyday- why would today be any different?'_ Eddy answered as she searched for the switch on the kettle to make it boil. Patsy satisfied that Saffy was absorbed back into her book and writing notes, sat back and lit another cigarette. But before she could take one drag, Saffy piped up again. _'Oh, are you going out mum? I thought you and Patsy had agreed to stay in today and play trivial pursuit and other board games today with me like we used to when I was younger'_. Smirking to herself, Saffy looked at her mother and then to Patsy with an inquisitive look across her face. Knowing this was a sure way to get rid of them both very quickly.

Horrified Patsy almost dropped her cigarette and choked on a mouthful of Vodka, she shouted _'EDS! WHAT HAVE YOU AGREED TO NOW?_', as she stormed across the kitchen away from Saffy. Surprised by this sudden outburst of noise Eddy managed to pour the boiling water all over the kitchen side rather than in her coffee mug. '_Bloody buggery bollocks, sweetie look what you made me do now'_ Eddy exclaimed, she looked from Saffy who was trying her best to look needy and Patsy who was downing the rest of the bottle she had in her hand, probably the thought of having to spend time with Saf. _'Sweetie, darling I have no idea what you mean'_ Eddy attempted to reassure Pats, '_but you promised me mum, you said you would talk Patsy round and get her to join in like the old days'_ Saffy replied, her brown eyes wide. _'No not about that, we never played board games with you when you were younger, did we Pats?'_ Eddy asked genuinely trying to remember back over 12 years ago to when Saffy was about 5. _'I can't remember, darling you know most things are blur to me'_, Patsy replied, lighting up a cigarette for both her and Eddy. Saffy, although trying to get her mother to leave by 'forcing' her to stay, wished once in a while she could live in a normal house where she could actually spend some time with her mother. She remembered the one disastrous time when both her mother and Patsy were high and decided to stop her from wanting a story read; they would play a board game:

Little Saffy ran over to her mother who was sprawled on the sofa next to Patsy watching TV, and in an attempt to get her attention pulled the sleeve of her mother's orange fluffy jacket which had been paired with a pair of leather pink trousers and an ill-fitting crop top. With no response, Saffy ran around to the back of the sofa her little curls bouncing up and down as she moved. Reaching up Saffy got a handful of Patsy's blonde beehive hairdo in her left hand and some of her mother's copper curls in her right and pulled sharply before ducking down to avoid the swinging arm which she had learnt came her way after this particular move. _'Sweetie, darling come so that mama can see you, there's a good girl'_, Eddy asked her daughter in the nicest possible way in her half drowsy half in pain state. _'Now go and get your teddy and play in the corner where I can't see you, would you so that Pats and I can watch television without you being in the way_', Eddy continued to lecture her 4 year old daughter. _'Move it you piece of vermin I can't see the screen'_, Patsy shouted as she used her foot to push Saffy over in order to clear her view _'you're not bloody see through'_.

To Saffy this treatment was normal, so she wandered off to her tiny bedroom to find something to do. But she didn't own very many toys and kept her favourite teddy bear she kept hidden from Patsy, as the last one went missing mysteriously and then she kept finding its limbs scattered around the house. Taking a several boxes from her wardrobe, knowing she may be playing alone for some time before she was put to bed- Saffy ran back to the lounge with them. Settling herself nearer her mother's side of the sofa- to avoid getting another cigarette burn on her arm from Patsy, she opened the box of Scrabble so she could practise spellings words she heard spoken on the television programme that was on.

After around 15 minutes, Eddy noticed her daughter had returned and was playing some sort of game next to her on the floor. '_What are you doing, S…S...S...sweetie? I said you could play a game!_' Eddy questioned her daughter, '_this is a game mummy, I like it'_ Saffy replied confused. '_When has spelling ever been a game, it's a bit boring if all you have to go is make words- where is the fun in that?'_ Patsy joined in the discussion. Looking sideways at the little girl on the floor, Patsy had a much better idea of a game that would be more interesting and perhaps get rid of the little girl. _'You, come over to Auntie Patsy'_, she asked but Saffy looked immediately unsure and recoiled further away from a woman who terrified her beyond belief. _'I want to play hide and seek with you!' _Patsy said to Eddy's daughter. '_I don't want to, you didn't find me for two days last time', _Saffy stated, shuffling further away from Patsy. '_Fine then, I want to help you with your spellings, darling' _Patsy added, irritated her original plan hadn't worked. Eddy looking shocked wanted to see Patsy interact with Saffy, so persuaded her daughter to sit with her best friend on the sofa.

'_I am going to change the rules slightly, but it will still be fun'_ Patsy smirked out of the corner of her mouth, a devilish plan unfolding in her head_. 'Eds, we are going to spell words and Saffy is going to check them for us, to make sure we did it right'_ Patsy explained. Eddy was about to question the fun aspect of this game but with one look from Patsy knew better than to ask. Patsy began the game spelling the word 'Vodka', Saffy excited that someone was actually paying her some attention was ready to check the word was spelt right. Once Saffy had verified the word was spelt correctly Patsy told Eddy it was her turn, she came up with 'La Croix'. _'Now Eds, whoever has the least letters left gets to put them back' _Patsy explained to her friend who was heading out the room for more champagne. As she did this she held Saffy's mouth open and fed her the last few letters that she had, while muttering to herself that there were no words she could think of that needed 2 letter I's and an X.

After forcing Saffy to swallow the 3 letters, Patsy decided it would actually just be more fun to see how many letters she could make Saffy swallow before Eddy got back from the kitchen with another bottle of bubbly. It seemed that Eddy was taking forever and Patsy was having far too much fun to stop after the scrabble letters had all been swallowed and having managed to pin Saffy to the sofa with her leg, she moved onto the Chess set.

Snapping out of the recollection and back into the real world Saffy shuddered, remembering the hours she spent in A & E with her Gran waiting to have the letters and chess pieces removed from her stomach. Suddenly, Eddy's phone rang and after listening to the person on the other end for several minutes with an increasingly more confused expression on her face she let Patsy have a listen. For a further minute Patsy listened intently and reluctantly passed the phone to Saffy who had come over to help her mother. Putting the phone to her ear Saffy immediately recognised the voice as Bubble, calling from the office but then had to decipher what she was saying; '_The giant mouse food decrees the hippo waddles to the arena of operations or we go tubby bye byes'_, it seemed like Bubble had got confused and thought she was an answering machine as she said _'You have reached the office of Edina Monsoon, I'm afraid she is not here to take your call at the moment, so please leave your message with me the receptionist after the tone *BEEP*'_ and the relayed the same message as before.

Saffy sighing pressed the red button to end the call and explained the mysterious riddle to her mother '_Bubble says your boss needs you to get into the office and do some work before you become the PR company closes and you become unemployed'_. Eddy, still not seeing the logic of the message thought for a minute, taking a last drag on her cigarette and stubbing it out. '_I don't have a boss; I run my own office…_' Eddy said although clearly thinking out loud, she continued '_Unless, NO! That bloody Claudia Bing has probably been sniffing around, come on Pats we have to go now!' _Patsy looking horrified that Eddy was actually going to go into the office looked around for another bottle to take with them. Saffy making sure that her mother was going once and for all added _'But I thought we could play scrabble before I cook us some lunch, I was really looking forward to that'_. _'You know very well that Patsy can't even remember how to spell her own name darling, so that would never have worked'_, Eddy told her daughter as she kissed her on each cheek. _'Anyway, that little toad swallowed all the pieces, and I would not have touched them before then let alone after they were removed from her stomach'_, sneered Patsy stubbing out her cigarette on Saffy's textbook before turning and scuttling up the stairs behind Edina.

Smiling to herself, Saffy brushed the ash off the book, closed it and reached for the mobile phone her mother had insisted on buying her. Just as she was scrolling down to Christopher's name on her contact list in order to text him, she heard an almighty crash and her mother screaming upstairs. Dropping the phone, Saffy sprinted up the stairs 2 at a time to see what had happened…


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: Quick Thinking

She could hear the groans of Patsy Stone before she saw her, and also the shouts of Eddy her mother panicking at the fact her best friend had been injured.

_"What happened Mum?"_ Saffy yelled slightly out of breath from running so fast, although she had always hated Patsy, she had never wished her to get hurt… Well not wished it very often…

_"Pats was behind me as we were going up the stairs then I heard a crash and she landed there…"_ Eddy gabbled as she pointed to the crumpled body laying motionless at the bottom of the stairs. Saffy crouched down next to Patsy to check she was breathing and that she still had a pulse;

_"Mum, I can't feel her pulse?" _Saffy told her mother, trying to keep the panic out of her voice as she looked to her mother who was fiddling with the La Croix cross which hung around her neck.

_"Oh Darling, she hasn't had a pulse properly in years",_ Eddy informed her daughter sitting down on the stairs looking at her friend _"Come on Pats, we're going shopping and there's free bubbly in the car for us"_ Eddy said loudly to Patsy clapping her hands together to see if it would work. Saffy looked at her mum in disbelief.

_"She's really ill mum, this isn't normal! The alcohol might have slowed her pulse but also increase the chances of her swallowing her own tongue and chocking on her own vomit",_ Eddy grimaced but informed her daughter that Patsy was never sick and actually held her drink very well. Just as she was about to launch into a long story about one of their many outings to a party she was interrupted by Saffron telling her to shut up and instructing her to phone for an ambulance. Saffy carefully pushed the hair out of Patsy's face and rolled her over but in doing so unveiled the full horror of what had happened…

As Patsy was moved, the small pool of blood which was starting to form was revealed and the shards of glass which had shattered as the size 8 model landed on it and impaled herself.

Eddy came dashing back into the hallway clutching the phone to her chest completely unable to speak after the short run into the lounge and back again.

_"Have you called them, what did they say? How long are they going to be?"_ Saffy fired questions at her mother who was red in the face, Saffy couldn't help thinking that her mother needed to do more exercise but this wasn't the time to suggest it. Eddy shook her head just about catching her breath now,

_"Sweetie, I….I….I can't…. I can't remember the… the number to call, darling"_ Eddy gasped thrusting the phone at Saffy, who looked wide eyed at her idiotic mother not daring to think what would happen to her if she ever became ill and needed medical treatment.

_"Its 9-9-9 mum, they made it the easiest combination to remember so every moron on the planet would be able to remember it in an emergency. Obviously they didn't make it with you in mind"_, Saffy shook her head in disbelief. _ "Remember to ask for an Ambulance not the Fire Service or Police because they won't be much help when Patsy is bleeding to death"_ Saffy added, cutting Patsy's Jasper Conrad shirt to further assess the damage. Seeing this much of Patsy reminded her of the time she had to help Pats check her breasts for her because she was so incapable of doing it herself because she didn't even know what it was or that she could be at risk of cancer. As she suspected the bottom half of the bottle of Vodka she'd been carrying was lodged in her Patsy's abdomen and a purple bruise was beginning to form on the side of her head from the impact on the stairs/floor. Saffron willed her mother to finish speaking to the ambulance men when she hear her mobile ringing in the kitchen and after whispering to Patsy she stepped over the body and jogged down the stairs, after all there was very little she could do until medical help arrived.

'**Hey Saf, my phone is running out of battery so I thought I would quickly text to let you know that I will probably be able to come over about 3pm. Looking forward to seeing you! Chris x'** she read with a smile spreading across her face, after Patsy was taken in the ambulance she could clear up the house and maybe get changed before he arrived.

Hearing a scream upstairs she jumped shoving the phone in her pocket and dashing back upstairs to see her mother covered in blood which was now leaking more rapidly from Patsy's body.

_"What the hell have you done? I leave her for 2 minutes and you've made it worse"_ Saffy shouted at her mother as she pushed her away from the woman who lived in their Utility room to see what had happened.

_"I think it might be something to do with this sweetie"_, Eddy presented her daughter with the piece of glass which _had_ been lodged in Patsy's abdomen.

_"OH GOD! MUM!" _Saffy shouted louder than before grabbing the piece of glass from her mother and accidently cutting her palm in the process and grimacing with the pain and sight of her own blood. "_You're meant to leave large obstructions which protrude from the body if they have penetrated the skin otherwise you cause a massive haemorrhage!"_ Saffy explained to her mother but when she received a blank look from her mother, Saffy explained more simply. _"Mum, you shouldn't have pulled out the glass, you've made it worse!" _

_ "Pats, I'm so sorry! But help is coming soon, I'm here for you sweetie!"_ Eddy whispered to her friend kneeling down to hold her hand. After a moment she continued _"but I hope you will be ashamed to know that you have ruined my pair of Jimmy Choo suede shoes with all this bleeding you have been doing"_ but after a sharp stare from Saffy she added _"but that doesn't matter, we just want you to be better don't we Saf"_ she smiled at her daughter.

Saffy nodded and looked down at her hand which was bleeding down her arm; she held it in the air and rolled her sleeves up.

_"I'm going to wash my hand and find something to wrap it in, do NOT touch anything but keep talking to Patsy, reassure her" _Saffy sternly told her mother and retreated to the kitchen. Her hand stung as the water washed over the cut and turned red in the sink, once she was sure it was as clean as she could get it she found an antiseptic wipe from the dusty first aid box and then realised there were no bandages in the box. Looking around the kitchen she saw a scarf hanging over the back of a chair, grabbed it and wound it tightly round her hand and went back to sit with her mother upstairs. She soon found out with shrieks of dismay from her mother that it was a very expensive Karen Millen silk scarf which was a limited edition. To Saffy, it just looked like another hideous item of clothing which her mother owned.

It wasn't long before they heard sirens and Saffy sent Eddy outside to wave them down while she put a few things together for Patsy from her 'room' and helped her mother into the ambulance. Once Eddy as settled next to Patsy she looked up to Saffy and asked;

_"Aren't you coming sweetie?" _Saffy shook her head at her mother.

_"You'll be fine mum, anyway I have… some reading to get done before Monday so I better stay here and get on with that. If you ring when you are ready and I can send the car to get you or call for a taxi"_ Saffy tried to convince her mother.

_"You need to come with us Miss, you are bleeding and that will need treating with some stitches"_ the ambulance man told Saffy with his arm around her waist. Eddy winked at her daughter mouthing 'oh get in there sweetie, he's good looking' which earned the rolling of Saffy's eyes in the way she always did.

With a sigh she reluctantly got into the back of the ambulance with a still unconscious Patsy and her mother. As the ambulance went zooming off to the nearest private hospital Eddy put on her sunglasses and practised her pout for those people who thought she might be famous. Patsy was still blissfully unaware of the situation she was in and Saffy peered at her watch to see it was 1.03pm and hoped she'd be back home by 3pm to see Christopher.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4: The Waiting Game

"_Eurydice Colette Clytemnestra Dido Bathsheba Rabelais Patricia Cocteau Stone"_, Saffy stuttered to read Patsy's name from her ID which they found in the depths of her handbag. They needed to have her details send up to the ward where Patsy was, and needed her name to track the records. Saffy helpful added that _"the only time Patsy comes into hospital is for plastic surgery and oh she had something else too…"_ She looked to her mother who was casually leaning on the counter with one elbow looking out at the people in A&E where she and Saffy had been deposited to wait for Saffy to be treated.

_"Oh that, Patsy was briefly a man while we were in Morocco the first time, but don't worry it fell off and she's completely female again"_ Eddy sighed trying to make eye contact with a muscled man who had a burn across both his forearms.

_"Mum, will you stop it that's disgusting, all these people are ill and you're trying to…"_ Saffy cleared her throat in embarrassment and gave her name to the woman on reception _"Saffron Monsoon, I've cut my hand on some glass"_ she explained and after she gave her date and place of birth she turned to her mother who had been tapping her on the shoulder for the past minute.

_"Saffy, what about me darling?"_ Eddy enquired urgently nodding her head.

_"What about you, mum?"_ Saffron replied in confusion, not sure what her mother was trying to do this time.

"_Don't you need to sign me in as well? I'm important too!" _Eddy asked her daughter in all seriousness. _"Edina Monsoon…"_ she barked at the woman sitting on reception and looked very pleased with herself.

_"You aren't ill; you don't need to sign in! I'd actually prefer it if you went to see Patsy and left me alone"_ Saffy rolled her eyes and apologised for her mother's behaviour to the woman behind the desk, but also being told as she wasn't 18 yet, her mother needed to stay.

"_I…I am poorly sweetie, I'm…um…I'm in shock sweetie!"_ Eddy fished around for a plausible illness and once she found one added _"both my best friend and my daughter being carted off to hospital, I'm covered in both their blood and had several panic attacks in the ambulance on the way over here"_,_ "yes that's right, we came in an ambulance"_ she added informing the whole department with a triumphant look on her face.

_"Absolute rubbish you aren't ill"_ Saffy whispered, shaking her head and took her seat hoping she'd get seen soon.

Saffy had a feeling that one of these days it was going to be either Patsy or her mother who was going to seriously injure themselves from the excessive drinking, smoking and drug taking they did. But secretly she was glad it wasn't her mother, even though Eddy drove her around the bend, she did love her and with this thought she rested her head tentatively against her mother's shoulder.

_"Nurse, nurse! Quickly my daughters fainted on my shoulder"_ Eddy shouted in a panic that meant the whole of A&E looked at her, a snap of attention she quite enjoyed until she was interrupted by Saffron;

_"MUM! No I haven't I'm fine, sorry everyone"_ she got her mother to sit down before she continued _"I was just…thinking and __realised__ that I…"_ Saffy couldn't express herself in the way she was usually so good at. She couldn't quite bring herself to tell Eddy she loved her or that she was glad she wasn't the one upstairs. Pulling her knees up so her feet rested on the plastic seat in the huge open room they were using in the hospital to hold the sick and needy. Saffy put her head on her knees and wished the time to go faster, being in here reminded her off all the times she'd been admitted for horrible things Patsy used to do to her as a child. For once she wished that Serge her older brother hadn't been driven away by their ridiculously overbearing and idiotic mother; so she didn't have to take the brunt of all the insults and abuse which were flung her way all day everyday.

_"Darling, I was wondering…"_ Eddy started talking to her daughter after a silence which must have spanned half an hour. She took Saffy's injured hand affectionately and spoke again _"if you're likely to stop bleeding any time soon! You really are ruining this Karen Millen scarf sweetie, why you couldn't use a tea towel or something is really beside me", _she finished in the usual selfish way Saffy knew all too well. Pulling her hand away from her mother, Saffy stormed away from her and sat several rows away facing in a completely different direction.

_"S…S….Sweetie, Sweetie… Darling"_ Eddy yelled across the room at Saffy who was enjoying reading the New Scientist magazine she'd managed to fish out from the trashy Hello and Elle Magazines which were dumped on a table. Saffy hated being called 'Sweetie Darling' constantly; she felt like one of the nobody's that her mum did PR for and called 'Sweetie Darling' as well.

"_My name is Saffy; it has been for nearly 18 years of my life! You think you'd remember by now…sweetie" _Saffy raised her voice in a sour reply then returned to her magazine. She tried to lose herself in a rather mundane article about stem cells but couldn't stop thinking whether her mum forgot her name intentionally or not.

_"But Saffron sweetie…"_ Eddy started but was immediately interrupted by her daughter,

_"Right, I've had enough of this Mum, you either sit down here next to me where I can keep an eye on you, and you stop whining and stop talking to me or you got home and don't see Patsy at all. It's your choice"_ Saffy announced in a stern voice and then sat back down with her magazine waiting for her mother to make a decision. Shocked by her daughter's abrupt nature Edina started moaning,

_"But Patsy needs me, I want to see Patsy, I don't want to sit down…I want to see Pats". _

_ "You have 3 seconds to decide or I'm sending you home", _Saffy informed her mother without looking up from what she was reading. Knowing Saffy wasn't joking Eddy reluctantly sat down with a thump on the chair next to her daughter, only to slip off onto the floor. After another warning being hissed in her direction from Saf, she crawled back into a chair and started reading Hello Magazine.

After what seemed like, and in reality _was_ hours both Eddy and Saffy looked up when they heard 'Saffron Monsoon' called from the from desk and they were pointed towards the nearest treatment room. Eddy decided that she needed her name to be called as well, and wouldn't let Saffy go in, until the receptionist called 'Saffron _and_ Edina Monsoon to treatment room 1 please'. Explaining what had happened took a lot longer with Eddy trying to interrupt every other word, but eventually Saffy was sent on her way with 4 stitches in her left palm and a bandage around her hand.

_"Mum do you want me to see if we can go up and see Patsy now?" _Saffy asked her mum, looking down at her bandaged hand and sighing. She wouldn't be able to finish her work now, she wrote with her left hand! But she was reassured that the stitches would dissolve after a week and she'd be fine to use her hand again. Eddy nodded, excited at the prospect of seeing her best friend again, and together they made their way up to the ward Patsy was recovering on.

Saffron resisted the urge to reply 'that's about normal for her isn't it' when her mother expressed concern that Patsy was still unconscious. They were informed upon arrival that she had had surgery and the glass was all removed, they were just waiting for her to wake up. Looking up at the time Saffy saw it was 2.40pm and Christopher was going to be arriving at her house in just over 20 minutes and she was no where near ready to see him! After mumbling something about needing to ring her father she ran out of the hospital and dialed Chris' number. The dialing tone connected yet the phone kept ringing, finally when she was just about to hang up, he picked up the phone

_"Hello?"_ his soft voice enquired,

_"Hi, it's Saffy…"_ she began, a childish excitement running through her like electricity but before she could say another word he had put the phone down on her.

In complete and utter dismay, she called his number again but it immediately went to answer phone and after listening to his 'please leave a message' she contemplated what to say.

_"Hi it's Saffy, I'm not sure why you hung up on me and now won't answer the phone, but I just wanted to say I've been in hospital but I'm fine. Only I won't make it back to mine for 3pm. If you get this message please let me know and we can arrange for you to come at another time that is... if you still want to, right um bye"_. Saffy rung off and trudged back to the ward, not sure what to make of the situation with Christopher. Perhaps he didn't want to speak to her, or meet up anymore. Her first boyfriend and she had already messed it up…


End file.
